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Stuff is happening, things are around.
10:48 p.m., Monday, November 15, 2004
I played way too much Halo 2 over the weekend. I also did some landscaping. My shoes are caked with mud. I had my first 9-5 workday ever today. I have a meeting with the Dean on Monday to discuss how I've worked to improve my situation. I'm more than a little nervous about that, because from my (admittedly biased) point of view, I haven't done much.

My roomie's dog is incredibly cute. She's always giving me funny looks, but that's mostly because she's a funny looking dog.

Roomie got me playing City of Heroes. Still undecided on how I feel about it. I'll probably give it another month or so and then renew or cancel.
Roomie also has a cute sister. Being me... *laughs* Figure it out for yourself.

Still feel lonely, though not anywhere near as bad as when I was roomie-less.

~me

"All lives are equal!"
"Do you actually believe that?"

Things are thing-y
08:42 p.m., Monday, October 4, 2004
Stuff with the Dean went reasonably well. I benefitted greatly from her being a cool lady. The upshot is, I'm taking a quarter off to get my act (and my head) together, get a job, get some exercise, bury myself in a schedule, and then come back in Winter quarter (starting Jan.). Could be much worse.

It's going to be kind of weird not being on campus for a few months.

Hey, if anyone sees any handy job opportunities in SF, give me a ring or drop me a line, por favor.

~Ciao~

~me

"That was the lady from LA?"
"Yeah."
"Funny. She and her old man used to live in my head."
(mostly likely misquoted. Too lazy to check.)

I'm almost still alive!
03:10 p.m., Sunday, October 3, 2004
Hey, all. Been a while since I posted on here. Plenty of ups and downs lately -- mostly downs -- but I'm still hanging in here. What for some reason inspired me to post, however, was none of the ups or downs, but this:

"Samantha" wouldn't be a half bad name for a daughter.

Why that? I have no idea.
Hrmph. I was cleaning my ears so as to put my buds in, so as to have music to slap down for this entry, and one of my ears started bleeding. ~_~ Not gushing or anything. I'm going to be optimistic and assume I gouged it with a nail somehow. *looks at nails* They do need clipping.

In other news, I'm in big trouble at school. I'll keep you posted. That's where the "terrified" in the mood comes from. I'm generally kind of embarrassed about it. And scared shitless. I'll give the Dan newbies a tip -- be fooled not by the nonchalant demeanor. The tip kind of defeats the points of the demeanor, but hey... I'm a wacky guy.

And as far as the fucking roommate situation goes... I've had a long line of people completely flake on me. Ironically, there's a guy interested now who looks like a pretty good guy, but I've already got a less-impressive person looking to sign on the lease. Then again, the less-impressive guy has less-impressive credit, so we'll see. I'll cover my bases.

Looks like I'm going to sell my car before even driving it. Go me. Yeah.

In other other news, I am such a sucker for cute women who want to take advantage of me... like have me dog-sit. *shakes fist at Bennie and Mikiko, the dogs* Cute dogs don't help, either. T_T

I'm tired of... things.

~me

"Insert witty comment here."

The [Art Institute] fire will avoid this [Daniel Kane]'s body.
08:05 p.m., Monday, June 14, 2004
Sorry, Moran Shetland. :-)
I should be in the class that matters most to me this quarter right now... what with, y'know, finals and all. But I haven't finished my final 3d model (my "creature" -- the Organ Donor... finished the Warrior Princess last week). I'm just praying Riddell will bend a little for me, because as it is I won't pass. *crosses fingers* In other news, I'm 100% screwed in the Director class, 90% screwed in animation, and ~30% screwed in psych. I'm debating whether or not to even try in animation, or just to ... idunno, "amputate" or something.
Got crap for sleep last night. Was thinking too much. Always bad...
I want to sleep, or eat, or talk, or play, or laugh, or... *sigh* Maybe I'm just feeling mopey.
I wonder if my parents will ever notice that I ignore or deflect their questions about my academic success? *wan smile*

Oh, in case I didn't mention it before -- the 'rents are officially moving to Hawaii on the 4th of July (mother dearest won't stop making jokes about her independence day. @_@). Things might change a little then.

If I'm in the mood, I'll post more about... stuff. Yeah.

~me

"You were laughing. That time... watching us die... you were laughing at us."

"I want a sidhe in a sheet."

Argh.
09:59 a.m., Monday, May 24, 2004
Sometimes I feel like everything I do is about as productive as bashing my head into a wall over and over and over. But more irksome.

You know, I'm not a big fan of whining... but... nothing seems to go right. Something gets in the way, or I flake out. Case in point... I'm running waaay behind in 2d animation. Got the Lord knows how many frames to draw ( "'The Lord' is what I call my cat." *heh* ), and still haven't even worked out what the hell I'm DOING for my final. Haven't really begun any of the costume on my princess chica model. That's supposed to be finished tonight. >_<
What I wouldn't give for an actual JOB. You know, having one project to work slavishly on. That's what I'm good at. Not the "put in full effort on one project, and just as you gain momentum switch over to one of the other ones" school nonsense. Besides, if one more teacher in an art-ish class tells us that we should do something we want to put in our portfolio, I'm going to slap them. >_O I'm not a graphic designer, dammit!

*heh* Roomie-Justin is going to flip out a little when he sees how much crap I brought down from Sonoma today... three crate-ish boxes FULL of books, my keyboard, tools, and some other random stuff. Guess it's time to bust out our storage locker...

For the record, my love life is way too complicated... considering how nonexistent it is. *chuckles*

Finally been spending some time with friends lately... but between that and moving stuff out of my parents' house, and helping them with THEIR stuff, it's pretty much two solid days axed from my schedule. For someone who uses their time as inefficiently as me, that's quite a blow.

I need someone to do schoolwork with. The only time in years I actually did ALL my work in a class was in Statistics, when Jason and myself did the work together every Sunday. Maybe if roomie-Justin actually registers next quarter we'll have a couple classes in common. Maybe we'll have 2d animation together. -_-()

Is it so much to ask to be competent at life? Or at least, not a loser?

~me

"Why did I grab a spoon?"
"Spoon!"

Rambling post while in foul mood, be warned...
04:24 a.m., Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Even though I wouldn't be at all satisfied, it'd be much easier if I could fall out of love. I thought that having lots of distance between us might make that happen, but...
I actually felt a tightness in my chest... She asked me for something that was both true and reassuring, and as I fumbled along I came to that one truth. I really don't know if it worked, but it was all I had, and did my best. It took me a little while to get out, but I told her I love her. I haven't done that in a while. Quite a while. It's only gotten stronger, though. One of these days we'll have to do something about it, one way or another... but in the meantime, although I know it makes her almost as nervous as it does me, I hope it was reassuring.
I'm not sure if I'm making excuses, or what.
I'm really not at all sure she understands my point of view on the current... troubles. I care a lot about her and Chris, and don't want to see either of them get hurt. She has a bizarre combination of totally abdicating responsibility while at the same time taking the brunt of the blame for things, which I have yet to figure out at all. Either way... If things continue the direction they're going, they'll be a lot worse than they could be. I don't know how to change that. I don't even know why I'm writing this -- or if I should. :- I don't like talking about other people's issues on here...
In any case, I know what it's like to have no real friends around. It sucks. A lot. I don't look forward to anything -- I hate being around my housemates, school is a dreary bore, and I have no reason to go anywhere.
On a random note, if Zach so much as touches my xbox DVD remote again without my permission I'm going to fucking kill him. He loses his, takes mine without asking, and doesn't even bring it back downstairs... I have to bug him about it to get it back. He's like Col. Kobiashuili (spelling may be off) and I'm the guy who needs to get past the retinel scanner. I'd like to see anyone but Skippy get that reference. >_O
On another side note, I'm a wreck. I'm sleeping poorly and eating terribly (as in not much... though when I do eat it's seldom healthy), drinking little. I'm doing extremely poorly in classes, am way behind on homework, and am having a hard time building up the energy to even go to class. I'm planning on sleeping through Life Drawing tomorrow and turning my midterm project in late, even though that will bring me uncomfortably close to the limit on missed class before I'm dropped with an 'F'. I'm tired of disappointing my instructors, but I can't bring myself to do anything else... if it's between showing up and being a disappointment, and hiding at home... *sigh*
I've mentioned before that I'd never commit suicide (unless I'm messed up enough to need serious (mental) help), but there are times when I'd almost welcome death... or, better yet, a nasty non-lethal accident. Getting hit by a car or something, and being hospitalized. Be dropped from classes with special circumstances and (hopefully) reimbursed. Having a month or two to get back on my feet both literally and figuratively. It's not really an idea I find... attractive, exactly. It's just that it'd be so easy... only if it's not my fault, though. If I were responsible, I'd never live it down. It would be... beyond pathetic. I might as well get melodramatic and jump in front of a train at that point. *disparaging look* It's like a bank favor in my error -- I could see the benefit of it, but wouldn't want to make one happen myself, and even so probably would try to get it fixed (if I noticed)..
I'm being an idiot. Good night, or good morning, or whatever.

~me

"Maybe you should see a doctor."

I wish I was strong...
12:48 a.m., Wednesday, January 28, 2004
I'm really not. At best, I'm rigid. At worst, I'm... nothing. Inconstant. Inconsistent.
It's possible some people thing I'm strong for what I don't do... it's just cowardice. I'm afraid of the consequences, nothing more. It is not a mighty willpower.
I don't think anyone's ridiculous enough to think I'm strong for what I DO do. I do... nothing. The most I do is care about people and... do nothing.
When threatened, I hide. When hurt, I retreat inside myself. I prop myself up with something I call my pride, and use it as an excuse to do NOTHING. I hide behind it to avoid asking questions or doing things that are hard for me. I'm not flexible or independent enough to do anything really meaningful. I'm above average in a number of skills, but I can't use them effectively for ANYTHING. I can write, but I blow off essays, and even slough off on writing on the side (like the WTO). I can draw, but only use it to mimic whatever I think is "cool" at the time. Even then, it's little more than doodles... nothing is ever polished. Nothing is finished.
It would almost be better if I could be a ... unsavory ... person. Uncaring about my faults, uncaring about personal standards or being a terribly nice person. Taking anything I can get and ignoring anything I can't. Thinking of people only in terms of their value.
Then again, if I ended up like that and didn't do it myself, I hope someone would do me the favor of putting me out of my misery. Ugh, what a terrible existence to have...
I want many things, all of which I either can't or won't have. There are people I miss deeply, some that I haven't seen for a few weeks, some for some months, some for years. I want to play badminton with Tracey, Adam, and Cybele, if just so we can knock the shuttlecocks over the fence five minute later. I tell myself that they don't judge me... I don't think Tracey does. I haven't had enough contact with 'Bele to say either way. I think I may have disappointed Adam, though, and that saddens me.
Accidie. Look it up.
There are things that I still cannot say, as it would be unfair to certain people. They are things that... either are too much to ask of someone, or are more than I can bear to ask. It would be a demand, really, if an implicit one. And you know how I feel about making demands of people... Besides, I wouldn't expect a very positive response.
Sometimes I wish I'd had relatives near my age less than two states away. Aside from my sister (who was away at college, then married, for the past 8 years or so), and my half siblings (that have been seen off and on), pretty much no one at family events has been less than 20 years older than me. While some people have called me mature for my age, and some say I have a sharp, subtle sense of humor... to people my age, I'm just a weirdo who isn't cool. I'm about as cool as... my parents. *sigh* I'm being stupid... the people I fit in with least are the people I least want to fit in with. But... even though I have people around here I'm friendly with, my only friends my age are the ones I've spent years around, and the very rare exception who's just weird enough for me to get along with them more easily. Again, being stupid... but sometimes, at my least secure, I think that maybe I'm not liked, that I'm just tolerated... I don't believe that to be the case, but... it's a possibility. If a slim one. I've known enough people who have done stupid, hurtful things in the name of trying to be nice and not wanting to hurt my feelings that I worry.
You see, I'm mostly miserable not because of any outside factors, but just because of ... me. My damn agnostic worldview is... aggravating, at best. I hope for the worst, and... I wonder if I'm not really a pessimist at all. Maybe it's just a front a use to hide when my optimism is always, inevitably, crushed. It would make sense, really... Anyway. I consider all possibilities to be viable possibilities, even the unpleasant ones. Lending validity to thoughts such as *points up at paranoid insecure rambling just above* isn't very healthy, emotionally.
I'm not entirely sure why I write this stuff for you to see. Maybe it's because I wouldn't really look as deeply at myself otherwise... or maybe I'm trying to be brave.

I think I'm done for now.

~me

"pick one thing at a time Dan"

I had a dream. Or maybe two.
03:07 p.m., Thursday, January 15, 2004
Strangely enough, Skippiru of all people was the most important person in the dream (besides moi, of course). That might just be because of the comment he left on my previous entry... *shrugs*
Basically, we were in a house. A big house. A house that apparently his family was living in (thought Jason was nowhere to be found). There were bits that were half secret passages, half like passing through the scenery in a play and into the backstage. There was a part involving his dad being creepy and control-freakish and his sister being just plain annoying. There was also something involving an evil plot, 18th century-looking cannons, and the new year (this was all on New Year's Eve, apparently). The other part (or other dream... I've never been able to tell which) was in Leslie's house, which was weird enough. It was apparently a place Skippy was staying at temporarily (like a motel or something), and it may or may not have been New Year's day or the morning after. Two hot 17 year-olds that he had apparently met at a party came over at 4 or 5 am. One of them told me I'd talked to her on the phone before briefly, and I had one of those false dream memories of doing so. I proceeded to be annoying.
Maybe watching Requiem for a Dream right before going to bed helped me have a rather more... interesting... night than I normally do. o_O In any case, creepy movie, creepy/weird dream. It got me thinking about how I really do act around people, though...

I still need to find a place to move into next month... and then I have to deal with movers. Yay.

~me

"I want to find a Kick Jack Valenti In The Beanbag flash thing now" -- Justin, after a discussion about the MPAA giving Requiem for a Dream an NC-17 rating.

*sigh*
05:12 p.m., Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Things have happened. I haven't had the energy or initiative to actually post anything. Kind of like the kiss last July, being with my Sonoma-ish friends... I'd managed to dull the memory of how much I enjoy being around them, but now that I'm back and I won't see most (if not all) of them for months, I miss them a lot. I'm whining, I don't give a shit. I bitch about all sorts of things to people, but... I have a habit of not bringing up things with people that actually involve them. Well, if any of you are reading this, know that I care about you, like you, enjoyed what little time we had together over the holidays, and look forward to whenever we get together next.
Why does this feel like a suicide note? =^o
In case anyone has a case of Bert-itis, that does NOT mean I'm going to commit suicide. *rolls eyes*
I need to find a new place. I need to get a pass to the GDC by hook or crook (which doesn't actually mean what most people think it does...). I need to get a new bed. I need to find a swing partner. *laughs* I need to get a life (see previous note...). I need... satisfaction. I need things that even in my most self-pitying state I probably won't bring up here.
I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. Mom and Dad are moving in a few months, and T&D have already moved to Sonoma. I am weak, and childish, and... *sigh*

I think... perhaps... *shakes head* Never mind. Not a happy thought.
I need to find something to do that will make me happy. I hope that my career will, but (contrary to popular belief) a good career is not worth years of misery. I'm not saying I'm not still going to do it, just that I need to make these upcoming couple of years as miserable as some notable ones in the past.

Anyway, I need to go to class. Ciao.

~me

"And if'n you don't mind too much, I'm going to let it nibble at my immortal essence for a bit."

I'm a sad, conflicted little man.
11:34 p.m., Thursday, December 11, 2003
I'm crashing at Alisa & Co.'s place, since we're doing filming in the wee hours of the morn (that is, 7 or 8 am... it's like... the butt crack of dawn!... or summat...). She was randomly playing Spider Solitaire and I was lying on the floor being tired, and I think the only reason I stayed awake this long was because I had a bizarre, misguided, and strangely contradictory hope that something might happen. Even as I noticed this might be the case, I thought "WTF?" And now, like OMG!!! I feel like such a st00pid 15 year-old bimbo, with, like, all this STUFF! Like totally YEAH!
Anyway. I find myself once again faced with someone who I like a lot... but don't live. Whee!
On a roomie note, I realized that Eric -- who I always assumed disliked me -- has been trying to be nice, whether he dislikes me or not, and Zach -- who I'm more naturally inclined to be friendly towards -- has been more of an inconsiderate asshole. Not sure how to react to this... especially since Zach's girlfriend is my nicest and most thoughtful sort-of-housemate. *laughs*
On a school note, I got a fail/suspension in psych because I missed my third full class, bringing my missed hourage to 13.75 (12 hours being the limit to not get booted out). In the long run, it's no different than if I'd dropped earlier and not gotten an F -- I need to retake it anyway, so the grade'll be erased. I'm just pissed I wasted the money, and that it's my first drop or fail at the Art Institute -- a bad precedent.
I'm lonely, as usual. I want to reach out for companionship... especially *eyebrow waggle* female companionship... but am afraid to, for reasons some (most? all?) of you can bloody well figure out for yourself.
Between finals, doing stupid stuff, stupidly not doing stuff, and the psych thing, I've been really irritable and on edge lately. Apologies if I snap at you... or, worse yet, attempt to hide a nervous breakdown. ^_^

Take care.

~me

"When they gave it two stars, I was so pissed. Sure, it's gorey, and not too deep, but you can't deny that the graphics, gameplay, and controls were simply outstanding. It deserved at least three, probably four stars." -- a lady friend who interns at TechTV (specifically XPlay)... forget the game she was talking about.

Damn it all to hell... >_<
10:53 a.m., Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Thanksgiving with friends has been canceled, due to some making other plans and the others discovering they can go home to the East Coast for the weekend. -_-()
This saddens me. Oh, well... at least I know my aunt can cook a meeeaaaaaan turkey. ^_^

~me

"I imagine we're not going to get too much shooting done this weekend, ja?"
"...none, actually."
"I see."

You want a frickin' bl0g entry, huh?
12:49 a.m., Tuesday, November 25, 2003
I'm tired. I think having seen some of the stuff I've been working on (like the finished bed, with rumpled blankets and stuff) Jason (Wiener, the 3d modeling teacher Jason) is rather happier with me than he was before, and definitely isn't going to recommend me for dismissal from the class! Yay! I also helped him get his 60gb firewire/usb drive up and running so he could save FOUR GIGABYTES OF TARGAs ONTO IT. He was using the school machines as a render farm over the weekend for a personal project, you see. ^_^
In other news, I've pretty much finished designing the Salamander and should be modeling and texturing it over the next week -- once I get that done, it's smooth sailing to finish the rest of the Dream Scene! Again, YAY!
In other other news, it's looking like I won't be in Sonoma for Thanksgiving -- I've got craploads of work to do (points at Salamander above) and I've been invited to Thanksgiving dinner with Alisa (and, I think, Anastasia, Carrie, and whoever they're inviting...), which ought to be interesting. I can't remember the last time I had Thanksgiving with someone less than seven years older than me... no, wait... I might have done it with the Kellys once, some years ago... *thinks* I just remember them having a cute (though rather older than me ~_~) niece/cousin from... St. Louis, or summat. And that she looked a little like a HS classmate of mine, coincidentally also with the last name Kelly. Though I don't think the cousin did. Have the same last name, that is. Anyway, I'm expecting that a holiday dinner with lots of punks, rebels, gangstas, geeks, artists, and nutcases all under the age of twenty-something will be... most entertaining. ^_^ Cute girls don't help either... *makes a face like Jiraiya the Ero-sennin*
*laughs* It still amuses me that I hate being single so much, but... Eh, ne'er mind. I'd say "someone shoot me," but that didn't go well last time. >_O
Oh, in other other other news, I heard from the Tina-mom for the first time in AGES and ages! She was encouraging me to abdicate all responsibilities and return to the flock (that is, the White Tower Online), or, well, at least post once in a while. :-) On some reflection, it occurred to me that my character is getting ooollllllld (even though I haven't posted with him in a few IC years)... he might be past 40 now. o_O OOOLLLLLLLLLD! I really should play Nemerin more, though. The lad had lots of potential... most of it as a dangerous lunatic with potential earth-shattering power. ^_^ Can he help it if his girlfriend was a multiple-personality-laden psychotic who made an impression on him? *heh*

Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy.
I am closer to being happy than I have been for a fair bit, though.

~me

C: "I'm sorry. I'm hung over."
(rather later):
Me: "By the way, isn't it customary to have a hangover in the morning?"
C: "Yeah, but this one just didn't want to go away for some reason."

Eh.
01:47 a.m., Friday, November 7, 2003
I've had a long week, and a long day -- we had to do two hour-long drawings in the Anatomy midterm, which was grueling. Vaguely bummed that a cute girl I know is "sort of seeing" a guy, which is rather silly. Me feeling bummed, that is. I feel rather more directly bummed that I'm not, in fact, going to be spending any (quality?) time with certain people this weekend. Well, one person in particular.*laughs* I'm a dork, so sue me.
Whee. Can taste the handy-dandy digestive juices rising in my throat. Whee.
It occurred to me during the aforementioned Anatomy midterm that it's kind of ironic that I'm one of the better artists in the class (not the best, but up there), and I'm shooting towards a career goal that really doesn't require art at all. I guess it's all part of spitting in the eye of my mighty potential, eh?
I'm reminded once again by nothing in particular that I unfairly close myself off from people that deserve (and want) something from me, and only offer anything meaningful to people that don't want it. I think I'm deluding myself into seeing hints and messages that really aren't there at all in order to justify my... whatever it is. I have the feeling someone is going to be offended, insulted, or worried by this post, but I'm really too ... something ... to really be sure who. *little laugh* I know I worry at least one person just with the way I act -- despite how much I restrain myself, just dropping a hint every now and then. I don't know whether to me glad that they care about me that much, or to be... whatever.
I'm not thinking terribly clearly right now. I think I made that apparent earlier, but that was almost five minutes ago. *chuckles*
I anger myself.

~me

"*dances like a monkey*"
"WAI WAI"

Ho hum
10:24 p.m., Sunday, October 26, 2003
It's kind of funny how I always have a clear idea of what's going on in my life, but I never seem to find a right thing to do that I follow through on. For example, I am well aware this is entirely my fault, and I know I do it, but... I can't muddle my way out of it.
*shrugs*
Women! *laughs*
On an unrelated note, I have a stupid habit of eating anything that's put in front of me, partly out the idea that it'll go to waste otherwise, and partly just out of habit. Case in point: I made myself a Boboli pizza (with pepperoni! Whee!) for dinner (and not one of those "individual" ones... a proper-sized one) and ate it (duh), then Bior noted that she'd made way too much mac'n'cheese for herself, and Zach didn't want any. So I ate it. This adds up to two good-sized meals I had for dinner.
I feel a little ill now. *laughs*
I was acutely reminded yesterday that Zach and Eric are best friends, and that I'm not sure if I even have anything like a best friend right now. I have friends, sure, and a few of them are even in the area (school chums, yo), but those who I would have called best buds not too long ago... I'm horribly at keeping in touch in the first place.
My AIM profile says I'm beginning to feel less lonely, as was the case when I wrote it. Now, though, I'm beginning to realize how lonely I actually am. I'm in a household of three (or maybe four, counting Bior...) wherein the other two are far closer to each other than to me. It might just be cold feet from standing on my own a little, but... Eh, never mind. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say anyway.
I'm losing people faster than I'm gaining them. Tracey and David's house in Sonoma is out of escrow now. Mom and Dad are putting their house on the market in the spring and moving to Hawai'i as soon as it's sold. Even my layabout friends who were reluctant to go away to college or whatever are escaping to other locales.

Sometimes I wish I was a ho (in the less literal sense), so I'd at least eke out a little satisfaction while being dissatisfied with my life. It's not like I have any real dignity to lose.

On that chipper note...

~me

Little Miss
She's having some troubles but
She's gonna sort it out early in the morning
And when you come home you're gonna watch her sleep
And hold her close and stroke her face
-- boa - Little Miss

Speaking of wasting time with quizzes and blogging...
12:16 p.m., Monday, September 22, 2003

Threat rating: extremely low. You may think you can
subvert the government, but if you should try
you will be smited mightily because God likes
us best.

What threat to the Bush administration are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I have so much work to do...
12:06 p.m., Monday, September 22, 2003
...and yet I'm wasting time on quizzes and blogging. -_- I am so ashamed of myself...

On a side note:

Well it seems like you're already a ring bearer,
you don't need the Ruling Ring. Of course, you
constantly think of all the things you could do
with ultimate power!

If You Received The One Ring, How Would It Affect You?
brought to you by Quizilla

~me

Why don't you see
this pain lasts forever
we would be living
together apart

For we wouldn't go far
we would never be able to cope with
the ones that we are
so let us be what we shall be
forever

Ho hum
09:13 p.m., Sunday, September 21, 2003
I feel a little dirty... I'm writing this on a Live Journal client. *shudders*
I'm tired in a whole lot of ways... my couple of days in Sonoma County were taxing, though enjoyable.
More importantly...

WE GOT OUR HOUSE!!!

Other stuff is still exactly what it always has been... *laughs*

~me

"You know, sometimes I get tired of your stories, Kane."

*laughs*
11:03 p.m., Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Sometimes I'm sorely tempted to wipe a post... But if I did, even once, that would kindn of ruin the whole point of the bl0g. Kayla once made fun of me for my self-censorship...

~me

"I was just laughing nervously..it is fun :-)"

Ugh. I've been feeling so angsty lately.
10:25 p.m., Tuesday, September 16, 2003
It's like being in high school all over again...
...then again, my high school experience was, now that I think about it, not characterized by the same themes a lot of others' high school careers were.
I think too much about "what if..." nonetheless, I find myself wondering (not for the first, nor the last time) what my life might be like now if I'd never gone out with Leslie. Would I have entered into a different (and healthy) long-term relationship?
As I sat on a couch next to a fine-looking young lady telling me how horny she was (literally, "I am so horny"), I found it funny and sad that I was at the same time highly attracted to her and 100% certain to not take any advantage of the situation.

In other related Dan-news, Dan thinks he might have begun defining his "type", as the kids call it:
1) An elegance of form that usually involves a fairly slim figure... I'm sure there's more to it, but I haven't figured it out yet.
2) Correlary to #1: elegance of form as represented in hair. Usually straight (or close to it), usually with hair at least to the shoulders. I seem to favor darker brown and black hair... search me why. It's certainly not requisite.
3) Some amount of insanity is a must.
4) A willingness to be herself, no matter what anyone says... this usually involves a level of bluntness about some things (or everything) that some people find offensive. Some people can suck it.
5) Jokers amuse me. Liars anger me. This applies to many, many areas, including women.
6) I don't know whether you'll think this is shallow, or even taken for granted, but a good complexion can go a long way...
7) I've never, ever been impressed with makeup. I've certainly never seen someone with and without and favored them more with it.

I feel like such a dork for actually putting this down in words. -_-() Someone shoot me now... *laughs*

~me

Zach: you blog?
Me: Yup
Zach: what about?
Me: My life.
Me: My angst.
Me: Y'know, bl0g-worthy stuff.

The time of reckoning is upon us...
03:00 a.m., Wednesday, August 27, 2003
Or me, at least. See the time up there? My Color Theory class starts at 8:00 am. Have I started my homework? Kind of. Do I have anything to show for it yet? Nyet. Am I planning on doing it? Faster than you can say "Get your ass over there and WORK!" Which, depending on who's reading this, could take quite a while. ^_^

~me

"I'm going to walk up to Bill, and tell him I'm over it... and that he's still a bastard."

Dreams...
12:32 a.m., Tuesday, August 19, 2003
Dreamed the night before last. Don't remember anything clearly.
After some thought, I decided that the creepy wedding dream that I mentioned a bit ago was, in a large part, just me overreacting to a lovely young lady telling me two days before a Saturday wedding that she wasn't going, due to some miscommunication.
There are still bits that bother me, though... But aren't there always?

~me

"duh. it's you. you're all angsty and troublefull."

*laughs*
05:34 p.m., Tuesday, August 12, 2003
I would like to note, for the record, that I am so unsubtle sometimes. *continues laughing hysterically*

~me

"I am now a week overdue for my paycheck" "That's what happened to all those hours I was working" "one of the fun benefits of working for a company that's slowly collapsing under itself"

Love and marriage, love and marriage...
11:05 a.m., Tuesday, August 12, 2003
...go together like a horse and carriage...
That kind of jumped into my head... maybe because Bill watches Married... With Children too damn much.

Anyway.
The question has been put to me (kinda maybe more-or-less) about whether or not being in a relationship of the third -- er, the romantic -- kind necessitates a certain loss of personal freedom.
There is, of course, a time when I would have agreed wholeheartedly... especially around the latter day of (or for some time after) my involvement with Leslie. I found that co-dependency really wasn't my thing. *chuckles* Besides, there was the whole awkward issue of her not liking me having any pleasurable contact with anyone else... friend, family, random people on the internet, whatever.
I daresay that particular experience kind of conditioned me to be very, very unappreciative of restrictive relationships. Though I suppose it's possible to be too.... free. I admit I'm not too fond of so-called "poly-amorous" relationships. "Honey, I love you... oh, and I've been screwing [person] and [person]." "Aw, that's nice, honey. [person] is a great lay, too."

Hm. In hindsight... I think a lot of my attitudes about loving someone are violent (over- ?)reactions to problems I've had in the past... A near-refusal to yield ground on anything - for fear of losing my self-direction, or even to some extent my identity... being a reaction to my days of being "joined at the hip." I think my tendency to be (almost) blindly faithful and loyal is in response to... things. Things that I don't feel like discussing. 'Sides, it would be rude, in any case.

I guess what I'm saying is... I don't believe loss of freedom or independence of thought is a requisite part of romance. If so, I might as well just jump off the Golden Gate right now (or whenever I get there... in an hour or so, or whatever). I don't want that... I'm terrified of ending up with that loss myself and -- because I'm me *smiles* -- I'm terrified of inflicting it on anyone else.
I believe nothing -- nothing -- has to happen between two people that they don't want to. It comes down to how much you want (or don't want) something, and how much effort you're willing to put in.

Good day,

~me

"I don't know..."

Hmmm
12:22 a.m., Tuesday, August 12, 2003
Auntie Amelia thinks I should get a Live Journal. The only argument she has is that she's got one, and that it's "just better." *rolls eyes* In other news........*shrugs*

~me

According to quizzes, I'm a dirty-minded noble swordsman who likes to hold hands and exemplifies loneliness...

Happiness is good
06:06 p.m., Friday, August 8, 2003
Sorry to break up the angsty mood of my bl0ggish rantings, but... I'm not always Person Man, Person Man, hit on the head with a frying pan. Not always depressed, nor a mess. Sometimes, just sometimes... I'm simply happy. Mostly little things that do it. Someone paying me back $5 that I owed them... promptly! Someone else engaging in a length conversation with me... while I was gone... (Dork!) Sleeping for two and a half hours, waking up late, doing 2/3 of half of my assignment in the morning, showing up an hour late to class, and getting a passing grade on the assignment and not missing anything important in class.
Maybe I just had a good day.
Then again, my chili might've gone rancid during my attempts to thaw it. -_-() WHO GIVES SOMEONE TWO TUPPERWARE CONTAINERS FULL OF FROZEN CHILI?!!?
My mom, that's who!

Ta...

~me

"Frickin' Hao!"

I'm a dork.
12:20 p.m., Tuesday, July 29, 2003
*wipes eyes* I need to wash my face...

I figure there are two people who will understand this fully. To one of them - because I figure you should know, but it would be unfair to have told you then.

~me

*sigh*

I had a dream...
11:38 p.m., Saturday, July 26, 2003
A while ago, I think in my first week in San Francisco, I had a dream. The dream bothered me a bit. I kept meaning to post about it but.... just never seemed like the time was right. Rather, I was too damn lazy. But here I sit, with little better to do... here I go....
In my dream I had asked a certain someone to marry me. I don't think this actually happened during the dream; either it had happened in a different dream and I was remembering that one, or it was just a dream memory. Anyway, I'd asked her to marry me, she'd said "no," and I was crushed. Desperate and pathetic, I asked a female acquaintance of mine that I saw a few weeks ago to marry me, and she (thinking I was joking) said, "Um, sure." I was overjoyed. I went around telling people I was getting married. I made wedding arrangements. I got ahold of groomsmen and a best man in short order, and was going to have the wedding on a quickly approaching Saturday.
Then, I went to my bride and told her she had to get ready for the wedding, get a dress and ask people to be her bridesmaids. She looked at me with disbelief and said that she hadn't really meant to agree to marry me in the first place; she'd just said it to humor me, and that she hadn't thought I was serious. I was mortified; I'd actually believed she was going to marry me. My dream ended with me, at the end of that day, realizing that my happiest times were the result of monumental self-deception, and that I would have to tell everyone that I wasn't actually getting married, that it was all a big misunderstanding.
I woke up, and my first thought was What day is it? My second was Oh, god! I only have a day or two until Saturday! And then I realized that it was just a dream, and my panicked heart slowed a little, and I remembered every moment of panic, desperation, and sheer pathetic delusion. I was disgusted.

I never have nightmares of the sort I hear about from others, but my dreams are never, ever pleasant. They always frighten me, if in more subtle ways that one would expect. I wonder if part of the problem I have getting to sleep is a subconscious wish to not dream. Then again, it could just be that I'm not tired...

I'm tired of sitting at my computer, all alone. I'm going to go lie in bed, all alone...

Good night.

~me

"Well....I guess whatever happens, happens, ne?"

07:24 p.m., Monday, July 21, 2003
Well, I have internet access again. (In case you haven't been following, I haven't had it since I moved on the 8th) Cable, in fact. *dance* I also have digital cable, which makes my roommate very happy. When last I left him, he was avidly watching Married... With Children and enjoying it way too much. I hope this is just the initial joy of having cable TV again...
Speaking of which, the guy paid an extra $5 a month for TechTV. For ONE CHANNEL! Sure, there are other channels he's getting with it, but they're all blegh. WHY?!
On a related note... had a discussion with Ben, Chris, Justin, Steve, and Tina about pay-to-play online games, specifically Eve. Apparently the boxed game is ~$50, PLUS $13 or so a month to play! Apparently it's only $35 for the first four months or something. Wow. Paying $85 to play a game for four months, or just shy of a hundred to pay for five months. Makes zero sense to me... There are GREAT games I could play for longer than that for anywhere from five to twenty dollars.
Other stuff I feel like mentioning but.... I'm typing this during the break in my Survey of blahblahblah class, and would rather put off talking about. *chuckles*

Ciao,
~me

[silence]

In a bad mood again/still
02:43 a.m., Monday, June 30, 2003
I have the feeling, if anyone ever gets around to reading this (which will most likely happen sooner or later) I will be chided for this, but hey... what I've been thinking, so here it is.
I am rapidly becoming a Nobody. I'm not the best or worst at anything. I'm the upper end of average at video games. My pathetic fumbling in search of love impresses no one, and isn't even spectacular in its failure. The highest accolade I receive for the rest of my life might well be "Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Kane, one of the most [whatever] [whatevers] we have!" One of, one of, one of. One of the best, one of the worst; even when I'm exceptional, it's still just a matter of one of. Nothing seems to center on me but my own perception. I'm always a supporting cast member. Always a groomsman, never...
Then again, maybe I'm just to picky, and nothing is ever good enough for me. Once, someone did center things around me... and I didn't like it.
I want to be something special, something irreplaceable, the focus, to fill a role that no one else can. To be unique.

On a tangent, I wondered on the way home tonight / this morning if perhaps I'm just meant, ultimately, to be alone, to never be vital to anyone but myself. It's certainly tortuous enough... I love people, want to be with them, around them, interacting with them... but I'm terrible at it. Unless there's something specific to dicuss, request, demand, grant, or whatever, I'm helpless. I never last more than a couple sentences with small talk, and tend to respond in monosyllables. I'm a terrible conversationalist, and tend to not notice important body language, implications, or subtexts that someone thinks are perfectly obvious.

~me

"bitch bitch moan moan" - Kayla

I feel so very unimportant...
01:06 a.m., Thursday, June 26, 2003
I know I'm feeling self-centered and whiny, but... It suddenly became obvious to me that I'm just not all that important to anybody, much less everybody. Sure, I've got friends but... I'm nobody's best friend. Everyone has a circle of friends closer than me, so... when everyone's out doing their thing... I'm left, on the fringe of all the groups, vaguely appreciated but feeling unloved, starving for attention. Blegh.

I hate the summer. Everyone's always happier than me.

~me

"I love summer."

Nothing ever quite goes right
12:12 a.m., Friday, June 20, 2003
If you think it does, then you're missing something.
Something went right today. My tux needed only minimal fitting to be all happy-go-lucky. I will have a roommate in three weeks named Bill Wu.

That's about it for positive thinking. *shrugs*

~me

No clever quote today. Sorry. None come to mind.

Oh, yeah
03:17 a.m., Tuesday, June 17, 2003
For completeness, I should note my mother's faith in the theory that everything I do, I do because I'm rebelling against her authority. Do badly in a class? It's because she wanted me to do well. Don't want to work at a summer camp in Marin? It's because she wanted me to. Want to spend time with my friends and playing games on the weekend? It's because she wants me to be successful and work.
And happiness = having money + good grades, as far as I can tell from what she's said about what she wants for me.

Really gone this time,
~me

My life can be... frustrating.
03:05 a.m., Tuesday, June 17, 2003
I got home kind of late last night -- 3 or 4, thereabouts -- and for some reason felt like sleeping. Can't imagine why, but I thought sleeping in a little might be nice. Must not have been thinking straight. Maybe because I was tired. Anyway, my mom woke me up in the morning. I didn't get up. She bitched at me. I didn't get up. (I'll note by "bitch" I don't merely mean that she suggested I get up, that I was sleeping the day away, or otherwise just doing something counter to me sleeping, because she was bitching) She sprayed me with the goddamn spray bottle, because of course that ALWAYS makes EVERYONE want to do what you want. I asked her firmly not to, since my room already has issues with moisture and mold, and I'd rather not have my blackets and sheets (much less the mattress) be damp. So she repeated the spraying. I think that was about the time I began getting angry. She proceeded to get angry at me for taking up all her time, since she was required to head across the house to bother me, taking her away from her work... every ten minutes. She said things she really, really had no right to say, about me not "pulling my weight" around here, about how they give me money whenever I need it for anything (while they support me, that's hardly true; trying not to be whiny, but... they just don't), about how by not helping around the house constantly I'm just producing more problems for my dad... I'd say that's about where my tolerance for the conversation completely disappeared.
In case you don't know, my dad has prostate cancer. Implying that I'm making his life difficult by not washing her damn dishes and putting away her laundry and not washing the tub when her fucking orchids get soil, fertilizer, and other crap all over it and the now-filthy shower curtain... made me a GREAT deal angrier than the stupid water sprayer thing.
Anyway, to prove that she was right, she stormed off, stormed back, took my xbox games that were in the living room with my xbox, and then hid them somewhere. The sheer immaturity of it bothers me quite a bit. When I got home around midnight tonight, she was up at her computer playing a game. (she plays more games and spends more time online on her computer than I do. I find this funny since my life is "dominated" by my computer.) We proceeded to start our fight back up, and I noted that I wasn't going to do what she wanted because she took my stuff (actually purchased back when I was employed) -- I told her that I didn't want her getting the impression that her "punishment" produced positive results. She said she didn't care, that if nothing she did produced any results, then it didn't matter what she'd do, she could take my things, or destroy them.
I became irritated. I told her that if she destroyed the games she'd taken, she could "damn well pay for them." She took this as some sort of offer, and noted that I need money, so she'd just pay me for each game and throw them away. I said "bull shit" or something like that, and she said "that was the deal, right?"
This is the logic I'm dealing with.
My mom believes that she knows what I'm thinking. Despite the assurances of myself whenever she specifically notes a time she thinks she knows why I'm doing something that she's wrong, she continues to consider herself right on the whole. She argues that because I don't tell her what's up with me, she's forced to guess at what I do, which menas she has to guess at what my motivations are, which means she has to guess how I think.
The way I figure it, that's a guess about a guess about a guess inspired by a lack of information. I say that's ridiculous and unreliable, she says she has no other choice. Apparently simplying butting out isn't an option.
There was a time at which I told personal things to my mom. If I had a problem, I'd mention it to her. If something made me happy, I'd tell her. And then I realized that every time I told her about something, she'd either harrass me constantly about staying away or not doing it if it was negative(regardless of whether she actually had any reason to believe I was involved in whatever it was) or regularly asking me about my progress on whatever a positive thing might have been. Repeatedly. Constantly. Until it was done or I dropped it. And if I dropped it, I'd never be allowed to forget it.
So, I stopped telling her about things. And people. So, she's produced this absurd fantasy out of the things she doesn't know, because she just can't stand the idea of me living any part of my life without her looking over my shoulder.
She offered to give me back my games if I a) told her everything that was going on with me, or had been going on with me, and generally gave her free reign to bother me about every facet of my life, or b) she'd supposedly leave me alone for a week, and then I would write a fucking report on the "responsibilities" I'd had over the week, and how I dealt with them.
Fucking joke.
I don't hate my mother, I just dislike her a great deal. And am frequently angry with her.

*sigh*

~me

"take a happy pill"

Things are beginning to come together
03:09 p.m., Wednesday, May 28, 2003
I worked out some of the financial stuff with the Art Institute... My three-thousand-whatever did NOT disappear into nothingness, and that's three-thousand-something less that I owe them! Yay!
I'm told that I clean up nicely. Granted, I had the beginnings of a beard at the time, and a mop of hair every which way. Apparently a tux shirt DOES make that much difference.
I need to get transcripts. Stupid high school... *chuckles*

~me

"I will not allow you to wear maroon!" -- woman at Men's Warehouse, knowing that bridesmaids will wear periwinkle
"there is no honor in chemistry"

Yeah, it's been a while.
09:55 p.m., Thursday, May 22, 2003
I haven't said much lately because, well... I suppose I haven't had much to say. My life has been largely uninteresting, aside from preparing to be a groomsmen.
There's that whole Art Institute thing, too, but... *sigh* Right now, that feels like it's almost more trouble than it's worth. Fuck Murphy and his law, right up the ass. *wan smile*
Reality bites.

*sigh* I don't really have anything to say, anyway. I just felt like I should post.

pax exit

~me

"she's standing in the red square"

09:12 p.m., Sunday, April 27, 2003
I don't really have anything to say. I'm just full of questions, about life, me, other people... some questions I'm afraid to ask, some I'm afraid to, and some I just don't know how to phrase. Times like this, I wish I could feel confidant there was a point to life other than "reproduce and prosper."

~me

I couldn't think of an end-of-post quote, and then this came along:
Christine: Dan's the man!
Me: How is Dan the man?
Christine: Cos I need advice!
Me: I hope it's not love advice. I seem to be striking out there. *wan smile*
Christine: Shit.
Christine: I need to know how to hit on the cute guy at espresso royale!

So much for that.
09:07 p.m., Friday, April 25, 2003
Ugh. Go self-pity.

~me

"Jeebus."

bleh
10:04 a.m., Friday, April 25, 2003
I'm puttering around on Chris's computer waiting for him to wake up, or for people to be online. Specific people, I suppose. uber-specific,one might say. And the one person who's signed on (on my list, is someone who I just never bothered to remove, despite switching SNs to avoid them. *shrugs*

Keep meaning to ask Heather out, but circumstances keep conspiring against me. ...or at least, that's my excuse. Being up against the wire, I was going to do so last night, but her and Amy went incommunicado to watch Pitch Black. -_-() Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to wangle lunch today. Assuming she says "yes," of course. And I try not to make assumptions, but one can always hope...
I'm going to feel really silly if I don't ask, and Heather reads this. *chuckles*

I seem to have found Chris a copy of The Last Flight of the Osiris on KaZaA. That brings me great joy.

Seen Cube2: Hypercube? If not, don't. It's pretty crappy. I kinda like the original, though.

There's some possibility that I'm putting all this random crap in the end 'cause I'm feeling shy / slightly embarrassed and don't want Chris to read it. ^_^() I yam what I yam...

Whee.

~me

"You are a sad, sad little boy."

If you felt it, felt it in your heart...
11:35 p.m., Monday, April 14, 2003
I'm angry at the moment. That's not really all that noteworthy, just felt like noting that my self-loathing is a slight notch up from where it usually is.

On the Tahoe trip over the last weekend, I was hitting on Heather almost constantly. Quite a few people can tell you (including Tina :-p) how bloody weird that is. Why did I do it? I'm really not sure. I've always been one to sit back and accept whatever came my way, and however much I botched it, I was still (am still?) reaching out to grasp what I wanted. Every time I reached out to touch her, it was strangely like observing Brennan and Adriann. Whereas with them I feel keenly lonely, envious, and vicariously happy, while flirting with Heather I felt excitement, comfort, and a thrill of fear that I was going to far, that all I'd do was to disgust her. That's why I sit back, why when I take the initiative I'm so subtle and indirect as to not be doing anything. As I've said already, I don't know why I did it differently. Is the situation different, or was I different? Am I different than I was even now? Did some event alter me to someone who has a different outlook on wooing? Is there something special about Heather that I didn't consciously notice?
Could I actually be in love with her?
It seems absurd to contemplate. What love I've known has left me more nervous than anything else. I'm not sure how much love there was the two times I thought I was following it. Every other time it supposedly popped up - how do I even know that was love at all? For all I know, I've never felt real love before -- "true love", if you like. That is not to say I'm feeling it now, but if true means I wouldn't necessarily know it if it swallowed me whole.
Sometimes I really do wonder how I'd come out of a psychiatric examination.
I'm trying to think of other reasons I might have suddenly become relatively outgoing. Perhaps it was the context of the trip. Never before has the situation arisen that myself, surrounded (for the most part) by people I feel comfortable acting like myself (or whatever I think is myself) around, and confronted with someone desirable -- that I could pursue with a clear conscience -- I felt comfortable enough that I simply did what I felt like doing.
It is a little strange that I never felt like this before when I was acquainted with her. My parents, were I to be so uncharacteristically warm with them as to broach this particular subject, would say that it's a sign of maturity or some crap like that. I doubt it. Most likely either my ... standards? ... have changed, or she was simply overshadowed in my eyes by others.

This is pathetic. I'm writing what is most likely my longest entry yet about my fascination with Heather... and yet I'm afraid to bring up what I was doing this weekend with her. Such cowardice can only mean one thing... the Dan everyone knows and a few of you love is back. Yay.

'Bye.
~me

"what WOULD dan say?"

Ain't life grand?
08:36 p.m., Tuesday, March 18, 2003
Some people keep complaining about my lack of posting on my bl0g, sooooooo.... bah!

Music of the moment: Thanatos (orchestral version)

I'm tired, and slightly bored. Downloading a few System of a Down songs I don't have yet, and trying to get Heather as hooked on Beborn Beton as Keith and I are. That would be amusing.
That Heather... *laughs*
"You know what your problem is? You love every woman!" someone once accused me of, though my phrasing might be off. I responded that I loved everyone; I'm just that kind of guy. I was kind of hedging, though. I do have a rather more liberal love than most, but I'd have to say I've a softer heart for the ladies, by far. It's one of those things for me to ponder, and one day I might come to a conclusion.

New music of the moment: Beborn Beton - I Will See You in Heaven

Where there's a will, there's a way.
What do you do when there is no will?

Ciao,
~me

"Hanging socks on doors? That's your idea of 'funny'?"
"Depending on the design of the sock, it could be hilarious."

Losing my sight, losing my mind
08:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 4, 2003
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine.

I hate Phil 5. Pathetic as it is, I'm going to drop it. Between my laziness/procrastination/bizarre X-factor and Traverso's homework policy, I'm borderline screwed anyway, and this paper... sucks ass monkeys. Not to mention the fact that I'm sick and tired of the goddamn death penalty. I'm supposed to write four pages of an argument on whether or not the death penalty deters, and cram in a critique of van den Haag's argument while I'm at it. Besides, it's not like I'm doing well to start with. *laughs*

In other news... I'm tired. I want caffeine, but there isn't any here and I can't afford any. A job would be good, too. I need to call the nursery again.

Maybe I should listen to the nice swimming instructor lady and toss some ice on my shoulder at some point.

Yeah.
I'm tired.

~me

"Y'arrrr!" -- Lightbunny

*wan smile*
09:59 p.m., Wednesday, February 26, 2003
I've been giving out a lot of wan smiles tonight. Can Leslie not leave me alone, after all this fucking time? It might not be a long time on any of the grander scales, but it's been almost two years without any meaningful contact, and I was pretty well satisfied with that. And in the space of a week or two, I didn't get invited to Amy's 20th birthday because Leslie was coming. Granted, knowing she'd be there was enough to keep me away, but... it's irksome. And there's something involving what seems to be like a game of telephone (y'know, with the whispering down the line) starting at me and ending at Adriann by way of Leslie. I know, I'm being paranoid, but the whole reason I broke up with her was that I ... could no longer entirely believe much of anything she said. I find it weird that it's suddenly something she vaguely said that causes awkwardness between me and someone I'm fond of, ja?

When I said "Sometimes I hate that, too" ... it was life I was referring to, for what it's worth. Sometimes it seems like it'd be easy to stop pushing that boulder, and let it roll away...
But that would be abdicating responisibility, wouldn't it? I still have debts to pay...

~me

"Master, my pillow kung-fu is weak. Will you teach me?"

Life is a Distance...
10:54 a.m., Friday, February 21, 2003
I cried today. That hasn't happened for a while. For those of you who aren't aware of the situation, I'll see if I can sum it up, though like as not half of it's wrong. Deal.
Trinity Nichole Harris was born at 9:59 am on April 18, 2002. She was premature, and suffered constant difficulty with her lungs (among other things, but the lungs were a biggie). She arrived at Shands (a medical facility in Gainesville) for evaluation for a lung transplant on Wednesday.
She left this world around 4am this morning.

I never met the girl. I never got to hear her voice, nor feel her tiny littles hands. I'll never get the chance. But what saddens me most is that this tiny, frail thing that fought tooth and claw to survive, that the struggle should end less than two months before she got to celebrate her first birthday.

I hate it. It isn't fair.

Life isn't fair.
Sometimes I hate that, too.

~me

What is night without the stars?
10:35 p.m., Monday, February 17, 2003
What is dark about the heart?
What's in the park?
We're not there anyway...

I like birthday parties. *wan smile*
I also like friends. Without friends, just what the hell is the point? Similarly, without happiness, what's the point? I made a resolution to be happy, but... it isn't always as easy as just choosing to be, is it? Which is worse, for example, loneliness or loneliness and rejection? I don't know the answer, but inactivity is always easier to justify, y'know? So I sit here, insecure in my impregnable emotional fortress, and find myself unable to find solace from anybody... except those who I can touch only through words -- rarely spoken, at that.

I need to talk to Brennan about "roommates named Amy." Maybe I'll just start referring to RNA and see if he (or anyone else, for that matter) catches on -- I can't imagine anyone but Chris or someone who actually reads my bl0g doing so, of course.

I wonder if anyone does read this? Or whether it's actually everything bl0gs were never meant to be... a little private journal that no one remembers but me. *chuckles*

Public Service Announcement: Most of the time Dan chuckles, he is not, in fact, amused. He is, rather, gripped in fear that someone might take what he says seriously and use it as a springboard to actually touch him in any meaningful sense, and attempts to minimize the importance of it by framing it as a partially-if-not-completely sarcastic comment. *wan smile* Don't be fooled...

I'm sure there's a lot of stuff I forgot to bring up. Oh, well. I'll update this at some point.

~me

Cats and Girls and Space Ships
12:52 a.m., Friday, February 7, 2003
Cats are cool. And furry. And I can't stay mad at them long enough to chuck 'em around. >:o
Space ships are always amusing, unless they suck ass.
Girls are confusing. Better than cats and space ships (possibly even PUT TOGETHER!) but very, very confusing.
Go Brennan. *laughs*

~me

Might elaborate on some stuff later, maybe not. I've been feeling really thoughtful... or at least... ah, hell. Talk to you later.

stuff
10:20 a.m., Tuesday, July 30, 2002
*sigh* My mother spends the better part of two weeks straight pissing me off, and then she has to go and make me feel sorry for her... >_< Not bloody fair.
For the record, staying up all night was really, really stupid. I'm probably going to chop my leg off with the maul when I attempt to hack up some firewood to take on the camping trip I'm headin't out on with some friends of mine, or smack my head into the low ceiling in the shed and wake up trapped on the ground by lots of spiderwebs...
*heh*
Anyway, I've been thinking about various things all night, and I'm just generally confused. I can't seem to think straight about anything. Love, family, work, school, internet, writing, role-playing, friends... I can't seem to get a handle on any of it.
And I forgot my fucking password to bungie.net ... THAT I'm rather pissed at myself about. And you'd think my password hint about my first pet would be simple, right? Apparently I meant it as some kind of stupid trick question... hmmm, just got an idea for it... I ought to try it out.... Oh, fer--! THAT IS MY PASSWORD?!!? *kicks himself many, many times*
I am truly ashamed of the one-minute solution to the thing I was agonizing over earlier. C'est la vie, ne?

I think I'll go do some useful stuff. Like cutting my leg off with a wood axe.

~me

"Don't worry. I'm not doing field work for Beth."

*idly wonders why his system clock was a day slow*
04:04 a.m., Sunday, June 16, 2002
I was reading a lot of L0cke's stuff tonight... (Oh, and Beth, on the offchance you read this... Er... I didn't exactly go to bed at 10:30, did I? Heh...), including his rant on Dreams, and it got me thinking about what I really want out of life. btw, I ended up jumping back and forth a little, so if it seems kind of disjointed or repetitive at times, that's why.
Physically, I could care less. That might seem pointless and/or odd, but... when it comes down to it, I want to be content. A warm bed, enough to eat that doesn't taste like absolute dogshit, something that stands and keeps the rain off... that's about it. Whatever worry I have about keeping my manly figure is mostly due to prental harrassment... as long as I'm healthy (which I'm not, really, but I'm working on it 8^/ ) I could care less.
Mentally... I want to know everything. No, really. Not every little detail like what the seventh word of the 403rd page of the Encyclopaedia Britannica is, but to understand it all. To know the truth of history, the natural laws, mathematics, even human thought -- even my thought... to know what I really think, and why. Not just surface thoughts, but the underlying currents that my conscious mind rides on.
Emotionally... *sigh* It's really all about self-gratification. Sorry if it sounds egocentric, but *shrug* ... it's the truth of it. If it seems otherwise at times, it's because I like the way it feels to help people. I want to have friends I can rely on and trust, that I can speak honestly and openly with and receive their honest words as well. I crave affection, grattitude, admiration, appreciation. I want to stand before a cheering audience, to make a difference in someone's life, to have someone look up to me...
I never want to be lonely. I never want to know what it feels like to really hate someone, enough to want to kill them; I'm getting close, and it scares the hell out of me. I never want to break a heart. I never want to hurt someone, physically or emotionally. I never want to lash out in anger. I never want to shed tears out of anger or sadness, only from joy and laughter. I want to have reasons to live, not just reasons not to die. I want to not have any reasons to die. I want someone to know me, really know me, and love me for myself. I want to be able to love myself. I want to never avoid something because I'm afraid of what others will think. I want to never hide my feelings. I want to not hate anyone or anything, including myself. I want to be able to find love for anyone in my heart. I want to have someone or something I'm willing to die for. I want to be able to ignore harsh words not by hardening myself against them but merely because I have no regrets. I want to stop fucking beating myself over things that happened more than four years ago. I want to stop fearing that I'm being cheated, deceived, or taken advantage of, maybe more than I want to not have to. Does that make any sense?

I probably have more to say, but it's 4am and I haven't been sleeping well and the fact that this is rapidly turning into an ugly-ass run-on is indicative of my ability to think straight right now.

S'funny, I'm really not sure why, but I find myself wishing Kayla'd read this... I could send it along to her at camp, but what's the point? She's having a good time, no need to get her down...
And what the hell am I blithering about? *stops self before he goes into a rant about ferns or something*

Good night and good morning,
~me

PS-- cool, just about 1 hour and countless Beborn Beton songs from start to finish. Funky.

Attack of the Clones and the Menace that went by unnoticed... Phantom-like, even...
10:18 p.m., Tuesday, May 14, 2002
Going off to see Attack of the Clones in a jiffy, which'll explain the probably quite sudden end to this entry.
Today I was talking with the Tina, and insisted on being told some things maybe I didn't really want to hear. But in the end, I want to know. "Dare I ask?" doesn't mean "Do I really want to know?" from me, but instead "I fear it'll be unpleasant, but tell me anyway." I always want to know. I'll always dare to ask. And sometimes I regret it, but as the almighty Ken Bystrom (math teacher extraordinaire) said, "It's always better to be smart than to be dumb." And even if feel... ashamed of myself for being stupid and blind, a little ashamed of her, angry at everyone involved... I know more now.
You learn from mistakes as well as successes. Hell, you usually learn more from mistakes, though it's a little more painful. Sometimes a lot more painful.

Sometimes I wish, though, that my life didn't seem to be such a parade of mistakes. Fuck educational experiences, I want to be HAPPY.

I was going to ask my dad if he had things from his life that he regretted and thought about to this day, things he shouldn't've done that he did and things he should've but didn't, followed by a comment about how I feel like that's how my whole life is. I didn't. I didn't want to necessarily pursue the conversation down the lines it might well have followed. I've almost never bared my soul to anyone, and it's not likely to drastically change soon.

Think my ride's here. Good night.

~me

Hmmm
12:07 p.m., Friday, May 10, 2002
Justin and Karl and Hollin and Jen and I were doing our silly Changeling game (some silliness involving Sir Tor ap Gwydion, the troll, punching out Count Gerald's Seneschal... again... and more-or-less accidentally kidnapping the duke's heiress on the way out). Anyway, Karl and Jen went down to Clark's to play some silly Magic, and Justin and I realized that the bus we were going to take back to Sonoma came and went.
D'oh.
So we did what any teenage lads stranded for a couple hours with a little bit of money and a phone card would do... He called his mom, and we called Gi (who, unless I've had a little too much crack in the recent past, lives in NH these days), and we ate at Jalisco's (wiigii!). And then took the later bus. And all was good.
In case you didn't notice, I'm in a much better mood than I was before.
...besides, Kat'd get mad at me if I got all self-deprecating again. ^_^()

~me

"Life... Don't talk to me about life..."
11:04 p.m., Wednesday, May 8, 2002
Thank you, Marvin.
Tonight's theme is, Dan is not pleased. Thank you, Chairman Kaga. Now, some of you might be wondering exactly what I'm not pleased about. Truffle ice cream? A little. Parents? Somewhat. Me? Yeah, well, you probably didn't guess that, but I figured I'd give you a little help.
One of these days, I'll let my parents (especially my mom) know that I dropped half my classes this semester, and I'm almost certainly failing Calculus with my maaaaaad Math-major skillz. She'll start bitching at me about how I never do anything right, and I'll say,
"Yes, why thank you, mother, but I'm well aware that I'm a failure and a screwup who'll never live up to his potential. Congratulations, after 18+ years, you've finally helped me learn something. I find myself on the threshold of adulthood, and I think I've proven to myself what the rest of my life will be. Complete, unremitting crap. And I'll spend it incompetently doing something I hate, and all my fucking potential will go to waste."
...or some such.
I hate my life. The two things that keep me going are hope for the future and feebly attempting to make life a little better for others.

Good night.

~me

"I'm going to go say 'hi' to Jason and make a pass at his girlfriend. Want to come along?" -- Lucky
"And make a pass at his girlfriend?" -- me
"Sure. You need the practice." -- Lucky

"Hi, Jason. I'm going to make a pass at your girlfriend." -- Lucky, moments later

Stuff. Haven't updated in a while.
12:07 a.m., Wednesday, May 1 2002
As I write this, the clock is ticking to midnight. I have a calc test in nine hours... Hopefully I'll get two-thirds of that in sleep.
I was re-reading my previous posts and was shocked at some of the spelling errors, but lack the motivation to fix it. Ah, well, C'est la vie, no?
Speaking of my calc test, I've done my first calculus homework tonight that I have in... ah, an age or two. *wry smile* I'm so very proud of myself.
Today I got to chat with both Kat and Gi! And Tabitha, rather briefly! Wheeee! ^_^
For what it's worth, anyone who was aware that meself and the Tina (not the Tina-mom, the Tina) were dating, well... as of last Friday, we're not now, so... yeah, that's that. I think it was/is a good bit healthier than my other... thing. I wonder if I'll repress my feelings for six months again? I don't think I am, but then again, anyone who knows me knows I'm a loony, if not as obviously as some.
I need to get Baldur's Gate back from Justin, since he doesn't suitably appreciate it anyway.
I also need to remember to take Knockin' on Heaven's Door with me tomorrow, so much spiffiness can follow. For a couple of hours, at least. That's two off of the....... *thinks* ...... 9 or so I have to kill.
/whine

Not sure what I'm doing...
10:35 a.m., Thursday, April 11, 2002
That goes for this post. Also goes for life in general right now. As usual, I'm screwing up in school. We have yet to see if I can pull out of this particular nosedive...
*stretch* I really haven't slapped anything on here for a while... nor fixed up the layout, I might note. =^, One of these days...
*coughs* For the record, getting sick just as spring break starts sucks. Ass. And big fat gopher nuts. At the same time. *valiently avoids visualizing that* Not to mention still being sick more than two weeks later. Getting to the point I might call the hospital and even consider taking medicine... *shudders*
*sigh* I know that most everyone I know in college looks down on "high school"-ish stuff... but, frankly, I kind of miss HS. Maybe it's just that... I wonder if I'd a few different decisions than I did, if things might not have ended up better, if I might not be happier today. Maybe it's more that I'm feeling the chances I missed... geh, this is devolving into meaninglessly repetitive rambling. You probably get the point ... both of you. *wan smile*
I doubt it's healthy, but I wish I could live in a dream world... not one where I'm fabulously wealthy, or even where everybody likes me, or whatever... just one where everyone's nice to each other, or at least considerate, where I never have to fight with my parents, and maybe even one where I can communicate with my friends on a regular basis.
I think I'm lonely, but I'm not sure why. I have friends, and acquaintances. ... at least, I think I do. I have people I talk to and who amuse me on a regular basis, who I never see away from the SRJC (Santa Rosa Junior College, for those that don't know/remember, you senile buggers you).
Why can't I be simple enough for someone like me to understand, eh? It's a pain in the ass.
Time for me to go to bed and cough a lot before going to sleep some hours hence.

~Aida-kun

PS-- This would have been posted five-ten minutes ago if Mother Dearest hadn't felt the need to attempt to boot me off the line so she could "check her mail real quick"... Apparently not getting the hint the first twenty times she failed to complete the connection. *simmers* Now I get to wait an additional hour while she has all the lights in the house on. >_<

09:51 p.m., Tuesday, December 25, 2001
Xmas time... I turned 18 today, whoopideedoo. I guess it was general an okay holiday gathering... Sorely missed Adam and Paula and Tracey and Dave (half-bro, now-ex-gf, sis, bro-in-law), none of whome were there this year. Just me, the 'rents, coupla aunts, and coupla uncles. *chuckles* Not to mention the thank-you thing.

See, around the time I graduated from High School (last year), I discovered the "polite way to do things" went something like this:
1) Send out invitations, mostly to people I don't expect to come.
2) Wait for guilt-ridden people who can't come to send me money.
3) I, guilt-ridden over extorting money out of relatives, send them thank-yous and everyone is happy.

Anyhoo, I did step one and two, and then made some snazzy thank-you cards and printed them up, wrote up notes, and addressed a bunch of envelopes. Problem is, I kept forgetting to send them. By the time I actually managed to get into a position to send them, the comments in them were totally non-topical. And now apparently I'm being guilt-tripped by people who weren't thanked for their monetary contributions via more local relatives... Which I could fully understand, except it had to be brought up during the whole Xmas present-opening thing, and... Hell, I don't know. I've just been in a pretty shabby mood ever since.

Yeah, ttyl...

Those crazy kids are so adorable!
09:46 p.m., Thursday, December 13, 2001
"Since the first moment we hit it off amazingly and just kept the momentum going from there and it hasn't faded since. Sure we disagree sometimes, don't get me wrong, but it's been really the best thing I have ever known." ~ Rob
"Bunny!" ~ Gi

Cheers to you guys! *steals a little sip for himself*

~Aida-kun

Thievin' punk-ass-bitch mofos
08:58 p.m., Thursday, December 13, 2001
Waiyaddo no Dan: Mofos are not cool.
ElfDruidTay: Oh?
Waiyaddo no Dan: Yeah, like the thievin' punk-ass-bitch kind.
ElfDruidTay: thats like 75% of the worlds population
Waiyaddo no Dan: I mean the ACTIVELY thievin' punk-ass-bitch kind.
Waiyaddo no Dan: Like the one we had a fun time with today.
ElfDruidTay: Do tell! I like story-time. -.^
Waiyaddo no Dan: .....................
Waiyaddo no Dan: Well, I'll make it (relatively) short.
Waiyaddo no Dan: Guy comes in. Wants an ID.
Waiyaddo no Dan: Afwerki understandably doesn't do so, since he isn't in the system.
Waiyaddo no Dan: He comes to me. For some reason, I don't make him one.
Waiyaddo no Dan: He says he wants to sell his friend's books at the bookstore (alarm 1 goes off)
Waiyaddo no Dan: He wants me to write down my name and position so he can have more "clout" (alarm 2 goes off)
Waiyaddo no Dan: I write down my name, 'cause there isn't a GREAT deal he can do with that alone.
Waiyaddo no Dan: He exits via the lounge.
Waiyaddo no Dan: Some time later, stuff is found missing.
Waiyaddo no Dan: Guy makes off with stuff.
Waiyaddo no Dan: Guy stopped by CPs.
Waiyaddo no Dan: Most of the missing stuff is found.
ElfDruidTay: Was that the guy who stole Fima's ring?
Waiyaddo no Dan: Yup.
ElfDruidTay: Did he find his way into police custody?
Waiyaddo no Dan: (OOOOOOOOOH yes)And last I heard, Jen's Palm Pilot lost it's batteries while being ditched or summat
Waiyaddo no Dan: So its data got schzapped
Waiyaddo no Dan: Anyway
Waiyaddo no Dan: Guy apparently claimed he was beaten by the police (those ROWDY CPs)
Waiyaddo no Dan: So he got an ambulance ride to the hospital, where they presumably said "you have no marks on you. Have fun in jail"
Waiyaddo no Dan: Or whatever.
Waiyaddo no Dan: Oh, and there was something about my name being attached to the stolen book(s) and him claiming he was selling them for his daughter (brandishing Jen's stolen ID)
Waiyaddo no Dan: :-
ElfDruidTay: *smirks* rrrrrright. I'm not gonna believe some guy like the cop that went through the lounge a couple of times over the past 2 weeks is really gonna kick the shit outta someone.
Waiyaddo no Dan: The lady cop who was sitting around in the lounge collecting statements was pretty cool.
Waiyaddo no Dan: ANYONE who can keep their cool while Nick tries on Pinky's corset has GOT to be pretty damn cool, eh?
ElfDruidTay: *cackles* Nick in the corset... Did anyone get pictures?
Waiyaddo no Dan: I think Pinky arranged pictures of her, Fima, and a corseted Nick with tapes around their waists for sheer terror quality.
Waiyaddo no Dan: Of course, I only saw Pinky measuring her waist before someone smacked me and said "hurry up with the statement already!"
ElfDruidTay: bondage trio. Now thats a mental picture.
Waiyaddo no Dan: Mmmmmmhmmmmmm

School ain't as cool.... as it could be...
08:06 p.m., Wednesday, December 12, 2001
Yeah, when asked the question "Skipping two weeks of classes before finals is bad, isn't it?" 100% of on-campus Jolly Green Giants answered in the affirmative.
There're a couple possibilities why this is happening. Either 1) I'm feeling really overwhelmed and/or panicky, or 2) I've been consumed/possessed/blessed by the metaphysical Fifth Pillar of Slack.
(note to self: start Sonoma chapter of the Seventh Column)
Not sure why, but I'm in a crap mood. I'm not sure whether it was alleviated or aggravated by hanging around Shaq and Megan being lovey-dovey. Much less a reminder that other people occasionally have this habit of being less unconditionally amiable than myself...
In any case, I'm not here... at the CyBear Center (my place of employment here at the Santa Rosa Junior College for those who don't know) killing time until my dear father arrives to nab me when my class ends in... about an hour and a half. It's a three hour class.
You've probably figured out by now that I'm not in my class. =^,
In any case, I'm kinda running out of time (being kicked out), so I'll talk about Gi and Rob next time... 'cause they're so adorable. ^_^

~Aida-kun

Lo and behold...
10:00 p.m., Tuesday, December 11, 2001
Aida posted his first blog entry (other than a "hey, this is crap!" one... but that doesn't count, so shush!)...

...and there was much rejoicing.

Now, the question is... what to put in here? Maybe I'll just toss my life out for the lot of you (or maybe just the both of you... or none of you) to see. Then again, maybe not.

Time will tell, as it does in all things...

~Aida-kun